Ten Thousand Angels Cried

Last night we learnt that Marc’s grandma passed away. It’s so awful. She was diagnosed with cancer about six months ago and didn’t think she’d make it through Christmas. So we made a trip up to Sydney early December to celebrate an “early Christmas” with her. She looked really good then. Wouldn’t even have known that she was sick. An extremely lovely lady, very soft-spoken and really loved her family. You could tell. She was proud of them too. It’s hard to believe that she’s gone. I’ve only ever met her that one time but it was enough for me to know that she was a beautiful person. The funeral is on Monday, so Marc and I are flying up Sunday to be there for his mum. Marc’s mum has been awesome, flying up to Sydney every single week since Christmas just to spend a few days here and there with her mother knowing that time wasn’t exactly on her side. She’s taken alot of time off work to be able to fly interstate every couple of days. Marc wasn’t extremely close to his grandma but I know it’s still affecting him, moreso because he’s worried about his mum and how she’s coping. It’s really weird but having been through losing my own mum, I know that there’s really no “right” thing anyone can say at a time like this, but I still can’t help but think what should I say? What should I do? I guess, just be there? I’m trying to do that for Marc.

God it’s awful. It really does hurt when someone close to home has died. I can’t begin to explain the pain when my mum died. And you know what? It sucks. Death sucks. And sometimes I wonder how I’m going to handle it when someone else in my family dies. I know it’s morbid to think about it but hey, it’s life isn’t it? People don’t live forever. What’s going to happen when or if someone else close to me dies?

I won’t be able to handle it, I know it.

Written In The Stars

Something spooky?

After I wrote my last post, I picked up a magazine, flipped through it and ended up in its horoscope section. Now, this is a weekly magazine and I’ve been reading it most weeks for years… I used to religiously read its horoscope section until one day maybe a year or so ago. I was feeling down in the dumps that particular day, decided to read my horoscope, as you do, and I swear it was the worst, most negative horoscope I’d ever read. It didn’t cheer me up one bit I can tell you that much. Needless to say, from that day on, I stopped reading ALL horoscopes. Whether it was the paper, fifty different magazines, online, whatever, I stopped reading them. Didn’t want to know anything about what it had in store for Leos. So having not read anything to do with horoscopes for the past year, I’m not quite sure what made me finally read it again the other day after posting, but I did. And this is what it said…

Leo (July 24 - August 23)
Do you have a reason to be deeply glad? Absolutely. Here’s a more crucial question: how could any negative force possibly devalue the most precious thing in the world? It’s strange how we sink into despair. Sometimes, all we can see are reasons to worry. This month, give yourself the greatest gift of all: a refusal to be dragged down by pettiness- a determination to remember what really matters.

Uh, HELLO, SPOOKY?

There Is No Such Thing As Normal

Ever since we moved in, in fact, ever since we bought the house which has been seven months ago (I know, can you believe it?), I’ve been waiting for things to “settle down”. To get back to “normal”. But as the days go by, I’m starting to wonder what exactly “normal” is. I keep putting off things that need to be done. We have been so busy with the house- renovations and then moving in. Some days I feel like I’m drowning at work- we’re in our busiest period, not to mention freaking understaffed. And so, to not let my head explode, I’ve been saying to myself that I will do whatever it is that needs to be done “when things settle down”, or “when things get back to normal”. Truth is, maybe this is normal? Maybe this is just the way things will be and there’s no point in waiting for… anything. The fact that I won’t be able to have the house decorated the way I want it in just one night. The fact that there is still so much to do around the house- clean up our backyard, clear out our spare room which has conveniently become our junk room, wash our windows. The fact that this busy period we’re in at work, will probably continue to be busy for the rest of the year. The fact that we are currently broke having spent all our money on the house. I’m thinking, maybe I need to forget that things are going to go back to “normal” because it doesn’t look like it will anytime soon. I feel like I should be putting everything on hold till life goes back to normal. But something inside me today just clicked and made me realise that all I’m doing is just making excuses. Sometimes I feel like I can be the biggest baby about things. I like to wallow in self-pity just a tad. Which does me no good. I need to get out of this funk. And to do that, I need to realise how lucky I am to have the life I do. Am I starving? Am I unemployed? Am I homeless? Am I completely and utterly broke? Am I dying of cancer? Am I a quadraplegic in a wheelchair? Am I blind? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO and NO. Millions of people, billions probably, are way worse off than I am.

So what the hell am I doing, putting things off, waiting for life to get back to normal, wallowing in self-pity that I’m too stressed at work, I’m too tired for anything, I’m too this, too that, always making excuses… and not enjoying what I have infront of me? A beautiful house that we worked so hard for. A more than amazing boyfriend  who tells me everyday, twenty times a day, that he loves me. A job that I wanted for a long time and that I love. A family. Not the “perfect” family, but nevertheless, a family. What the hell am I doing?

Life’s too short right?

Dylan!

I don’t have anything great to post so here are a few pictures of Dylan… a couple of months old, but pictures nonetheless! Enjoy :)

Friday, where are you?

We went out to dinner tonight with a few friends and it was fun. So much so that I had the “It’s Friday night” feeling the whole time at dinner and it made me happy. But after dinner I realised that no it’s NOT Friday, it’s Thursday and I have to go to work tomorrow. BLAH. This week has been a tough week at work. Long hours, had a work event Tuesday that went till midnight,  tons of work, a shit load of pressure from the boss, annoying colleague and well… just generally stressed. I’m so glad that it’s Friday tomorrow… but so pissed that it’s still Thursday.

The cold doesn’t help either. All through summer I was looking forward to winter. I had enough of the heat waves. Enough of the I just had a shower but I think I need another one kinda feeling. Enough of stinky people on the train with really bad B.O. So now that the cold weather has arrived… it doesn’t help me get out of bed in the mornings. And it doesn’t help the fact that I’m not a morning person, cold or not. Despite the cold making me miserable at times, I think I still like it. I love being rugged up at home in a pair of trackpants, a big jumper and just curling up on the couch. I love putting on my coat and scarf when I go to work. I love the crispness of a really, really cold morning. The air smells ten times fresher than it does a normal day. The only thing missing from our winter? Snow. The fact that we have to drive three hours up a mountain to actually see snow does not count.

Did you know that one of the things I plan on doing before I die is to have a white Christmas? Yep. And a real one at that. No fake snow nonsense. Marc and I want to spend Christmas in New York next year, but those plans aren’t in concrete yet.

Happy Friday for tomorrow, ya’ll.

Babies Are Hard to Photograph

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted any recent pictures of Dylan on here. That’s because since he learnt how to walk nearly five months ago, he has been a little tornado walking, running and stomping everywhere. He does not sit or stand still for more than five seconds. Hence, the lack of pictures. I guess I should really make more of an effort but when I’m with him, I just want to scoop him up in my arms and kiss his cheeks endlessly like there’s no tomorrow. So that’s really why I don’t have time for pictures.

I’m halfway through my long weekend. It’s been nice. Really nice. I feel like it’s going at a reasonable pace and not just flashing by. It’s the nicest feeling thinking that today is Sunday when really, it is Saturday. Yesterday being Anzac Day, we had our first BBQ at our house. It was fun. It was also Marc’s dad’s birthday. I was a little disappointed because we hadn’t planned it all too well. Because it was Anzac Day, all supermarkets and shops were closed in the morning. As far as I know, most shops re-open at about midday on Anzac Day, so I didn’t think we’d have a problem getting a birthday cake for Marc’s dad from one of the bakeries down the road. But of course when we got there just after midday, it was still closed and didn’t look like it was going to open anytime soon. We couldn’t find a cake anywhere else so we had to go without. Marc’s dad didn’t care but I felt bad. No birthday cake?! The only thing that eased the guilt was the fact that we were going to celebrate his birthday again anyway coz Marc’s mum is in Sydney visiting her mum. So when she gets back we’re going to celebrate again. I guess we could have cake then.

Enough about the cake debacle. The BBQ went great… my sister’s family came over, my brother and his girlfriend turned up… it was nice and cosy. Funny thing that happened? Halfway through lunch, Dylan decided he wanted to put his little shoes in one of my kitchen cupboards. He likes putting things in cupboards, so he put them in there, shut the doors closed and looked pretty pleased with himself. Then we all forgot about it. Later that night when I went to get something out from the cupboard, I saw his tiny shoes there and I burst out laughing. The little monster went home without his shoes.

I can’t wait till he can say “Aunty Janice”.