Okay so I’m having trouble falling asleep again (what’s new?) so here I am. A lot has been on my mind lately. Some days I feel like I’m a walking time bomb ready to explode at any minute. Sometimes just from sheer stress, justified or not, it is still stress. I’ve also been lacking in the patience department lately which adds to the whole walking time bomb issue. On bad days, sometimes even on average days, little things frustrate me. It’s a horrible thing to admit – that I’m a giant human stress ball and can therefore sometimes be a little unpleasant to be with. I swear I’m not like this all the time. Funny how emotions and hormones and what not can do to you!
I’ve been trying my hardest to take a step back so I can see the bigger picture. I’ve been trying to make the most of being engaged and just revel in the joys of having my best friend as my soul mate and to know that we’re about to start the biggest adventure of our lives together – marriage. Yes that’s the bigger picture. In the difficult times of stress and wanting to just not get out of bed, I have to push myself to be in this space where I know life is good. Because life IS good.
Trust me I’m trying to love every moment of my wedding planning. I also know that a big part of learning and growing is to know that I need to let go to ‘perfection’ from time to time… That I don’t need to be in control of every little thing. And sometimes things are just out of my control. It’s as simple as that.
Lately I’ve also been having mixed feelings and a tiny bit of anxiety about the fact that my mother isn’t around for this momentous occasion that’s about to happen in a matter of months. To be honest, since getting engaged, I have not let myself stop to think about what she would be doing with me on this wedding planning journey. I have not let myself stop and think about how I might feel about her not being here.
I don’t know. It just sucks. It does. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself because I am lucky to have the people around me. But she is my mother, you know? Anyway the last time I allowed myself to think of her in relation to my wedding was when I went shopping for my wedding dress. I had promised myself in the days leading up to ‘shopping day’ that I would not tear up as I tried on dresses. Well… I didn’t tear up. I just about bawled. It was just all in the moment you know… I had tried on one or two dresses… They all looked just amazingly beautiful and it all hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as my sister said those words out loud… “She would be so proud”… It kicked it off. The water works. The poor bridal assistant at the shop… She was so lovely and got me a box of tissues. She didn’t even say a word. Just gave me a little pat on the shoulder and a knowing smile. A few minutes later as she helped me out of the dress, I felt so embarrassed I apologised to her and explained that the tears were because of my late mother. By the way I hate that term ‘late’. She told me that she suspected that was the case. I’m sure she’s seen hundreds of brides-to-be bawl their eyes out trying on dresses for whatever reasons.
So yes a few things are on my mind. I feel like I’m hiding under a rock or something. Or maybe that’s just how my heart is feeling at the moment. I don’t like it! I hope to come out in the open sunshine soon…
PS: Oh and guess what? I think all this stress is causing my hair to fall… Like, a ridiculous amount! Arghh!
