Category Archives: Dilemma

Office whiners

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I was going to title this post ‘Office whingers’ but my predictive text came up with whiners instead. That’s ok, I’m happy with that, it’s pretty much the same thing.

I was a little annoyed at work today. You see, a couple of weeks ago, a secondment role was announced within my team and if anyone was interested, they were more than welcome to apply for the secondment. The role itself is a sidestep to my role at the moment and if anything is a positive one as it’s very different to my existing role and would only add to my skills and it would be another thing to add to the resume. However, I know for certain that it’s not a job I’m interested in and not something I see myself doing so it was a simple decision for me not to apply for the secondment.

Two of my colleagues, however, were interested in the role and I encouraged each of them to apply as I personally think they would both be good at the job (they are both in the same role as me right now). Today at lunch one of the said colleagues told me that the salary they were being offered for the secondment would mean taking a pay cut of at least $10,000. She then went on to say that knowing what the salary on offer is, that she is now not considering the role. Ok, fair enough. If you’re not prepared to take a pay cut then so be it, move on. She then commented on how she thought we get paid really well for our current roles. Which is true and I am in complete agreement with her. She mentioned that she loves getting paid what she gets paid, she couldn’t imagine not earning as much blah blah blah. Okay, I see your point but jeez shouldn’t we just be lucky to still have our jobs considering there have been a ton of redundancies in the banking sector over the last 6 – 9 months? But anyways.

Then the thing that annoyed me most was that she went from loving how much she loves her salary in this role to completely dissing our roles! Like completely shredding the role to pieces! I hate it, absolutely hate it when people do that. So… You like what you get paid but you hate the job. And you hate it so much to the point where you can’t say anything good about it (besides the pay!)… Why the f$*! are you even still here? Oh of course – the money. These are people who do the job for only the money. And I can play along with that – because let’s face it, money is a huge incentive and a huge motivating factor – but only to an extent – if you hate a job so much wouldn’t you get out of it? And if you don’t see the urgency in getting out of a job you hate, a job that you’re not proud of doing, a job that’s just sucking the life out of you as the rest of your life goes by – then freaking deal with it. Don’t whine about it!

Me? I love my job. I wouldn’t say I’m completely passionate about my job but I can say that I enjoy my job and that I am proud of what I do and achieve on a daily basis. I think it’s completely insensitive for someone to sit there in front of their work colleagues, who by the way have never mentioned a word about disliking their job, and speak so negatively, so openly without when considering the possibility that others may actually like what they do and take pride in what they do.

My strategy in handling situations like these are to never, ever agree with the person’s view and opinion when clearly I don’t agree and also it is just that – their view and their opinion. They’re entitled to it. I don’t make a big deal out of it and try and debate her argument because I’m mostly a non-confrontational person and also why should I waste energy on arguing a matter that is completely set in the other person’s mind. And lastly, I try and encourage a glass half full mentality. Jeez woman, you hate the job but come on, you show up everyday, you’re getting paid and if you hated it that much you wouldn’t be here now unless you’re just all talk and no action which is very likely the case!

Life’s too short to hate your job and if you do, go find something else to do which will make you happy. If not at least something that would make you happier. And I say keep going until you find it. There’s really no use on complaining about it. You’ll just be an office whiner.

Stressed and a little sad

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Okay so I’m having trouble falling asleep again (what’s new?) so here I am. A lot has been on my mind lately. Some days I feel like I’m a walking time bomb ready to explode at any minute. Sometimes just from sheer stress, justified or not, it is still stress. I’ve also been lacking in the patience department lately which adds to the whole walking time bomb issue. On bad days, sometimes even on average days, little things frustrate me. It’s a horrible thing to admit – that I’m a giant human stress ball and can therefore sometimes be a little unpleasant to be with. I swear I’m not like this all the time. Funny how emotions and hormones and what not can do to you!

I’ve been trying my hardest to take a step back so I can see the bigger picture. I’ve been trying to make the most of being engaged and just revel in the joys of having my best friend as my soul mate and to know that we’re about to start the biggest adventure of our lives together – marriage. Yes that’s the bigger picture. In the difficult times of stress and wanting to just not get out of bed, I have to push myself to be in this space where I know life is good. Because life IS good.

Trust me I’m trying to love every moment of my wedding planning. I also know that a big part of learning and growing is to know that I need to let go to ‘perfection’ from time to time… That I don’t need to be in control of every little thing. And sometimes things are just out of my control. It’s as simple as that.

Lately I’ve also been having mixed feelings and a tiny bit of anxiety about the fact that my mother isn’t around for this momentous occasion that’s about to happen in a matter of months. To be honest, since getting engaged, I have not let myself stop to think about what she would be doing with me on this wedding planning journey. I have not let myself stop and think about how I might feel about her not being here.

I don’t know. It just sucks. It does. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself because I am lucky to have the people around me. But she is my mother, you know? Anyway the last time I allowed myself to think of her in relation to my wedding was when I went shopping for my wedding dress. I had promised myself in the days leading up to ‘shopping day’ that I would not tear up as I tried on dresses. Well… I didn’t tear up. I just about bawled. It was just all in the moment you know… I had tried on one or two dresses… They all looked just amazingly beautiful and it all hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as my sister said those words out loud… “She would be so proud”… It kicked it off. The water works. The poor bridal assistant at the shop… She was so lovely and got me a box of tissues. She didn’t even say a word. Just gave me a little pat on the shoulder and a knowing smile. A few minutes later as she helped me out of the dress, I felt so embarrassed I apologised to her and explained that the tears were because of my late mother. By the way I hate that term ‘late’. She told me that she suspected that was the case. I’m sure she’s seen hundreds of brides-to-be bawl their eyes out trying on dresses for whatever reasons.

So yes a few things are on my mind. I feel like I’m hiding under a rock or something. Or maybe that’s just how my heart is feeling at the moment. I don’t like it! I hope to come out in the open sunshine soon…

PS: Oh and guess what? I think all this stress is causing my hair to fall… Like, a ridiculous amount! Arghh!

It would be handy…

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To have a crystal ball right about now. I know life is full of decisions… Easy ones and tough ones. They all have to be made.

But wouldn’t it be completely awesome if we had a crystal ball to tell us where our decisions would lead us to? Or just some sort of indication? If only…

I know I shouldn’t be afraid to make decisions or fear what the outcome of a decision made should be. What will be, will be… Right?

But I was born a worry-wart and that’s just me… I’m learning though. Learning to make thought through, decisive and logical decisions… But the trick is to be able to follow your heart as well… Ah, life….

The other kind of preparation

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Aside from the stock standard wedding preparations that have been taking place – you know, the venue, the invitations, the guest list, how I want to style my wedding etc – another prep I’m yet to undertake is to lose weight for the big day. I’ve always been a pretty private person in general. To be blogging on the internet is a pretty big thing for me and not many people in my everyday life actually read this blog. But the fact that I write about my life on the internet is a big deal for me because I do consider myself private. Even more so with my weight. To be quite honest I have never spoken about my weight publicly. And when I say ‘publicly’ I mean in open conversations with friends, with family, with work colleagues. I just don’t do it. For the most part I think it’s because I’m not proud about my weight and for the remaining part, I just don’t think it’s anybody’s business how much I eat, how much I exercise (or don’t), how much I weigh, how much I’m not liking my arms or thighs today, or whatever it may be. My weight has been and always will be (whether I’m 50 kilos or 100 kilos) a very personal issue, one I hold very closely to my heart. The only person I’ve ever really spoken about my weight with is Marc I think that says so much about where his place is within my life. Obviously someone I trust with my life, someone I can bare my soul to, someone whom I know will never judge. So yes, I am trying to lose whatever weight I can before the wedding. It’s been hard, it’s been extremely difficult. I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat anything. Motivation levels have been as low as ever when it really needs to be at its highest. Exercise has not been a priority. In fact it has taken a major back seat over the last few winter months. Excuses have been winning this game. I am struggling to break out of this bad cycle of not eating right and by that I mean portion wise. Not so much the kind of foods I eat. I am struggling to make changes even though I know I need to. Not just because I want to look good on my wedding day but because I want to live to 100. I seriously do. I am scared of making goals – lose 5 kilos, lose 10 kilos, I am going to exercise 3 days a week, 4 days a week, 5 days a week – goals scare me. Because I don’t want to disappoint myself. Even though not changing and not doing anything disappoints about a million times more. It is really isn’t a physical hindrance. I can power walk. I can jog. I can go to the gym. I can do a spin class. I can do anything. But it’s my mind that is stopping me. I don’t know how to look my mind in the face and tell it to stop. To be real. To wake up. I don’t know how to make my body and my mind work together. Do people see therapists for these kind of things? I want to but I’m embarrassed. Sometimes I feel like it should be so easy. Just put those damn runners on and go for a jog. How hard can it be? Just eat half the amount you already do. How hard can it be?

On a lighter note, I love the wall decor (above) I found on Pinterest. Sounds like our home.

Funky May

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The month of May did not play out too well for me. I found myself to be in a bit of a funk. I don’t think I would pin it down to any one specific moment, thought or event that happened. Maybe it was just a combination of a few things but… I was in a funk.

I had someone very, very close to me hurt me in a way I never thought they would. It not only hurt the deepest part of my heart, but it broke the trust between us and it caused me to spend far too much of my time in tears. Not worth it. But it happened and I accepted it and learnt to forgive. I also learnt that forgiving may just be the easiest part. Forgetting is hard. Learning to trust again is even harder. Having said that, I also learnt a valuable lesson in that sometimes I put certain people in my life up on a pedestal when really, it’s not where they belong. They are only up there because I put them there. Not because they want to be there. I learnt that they are human just like I am. They also make mistakes just like I do.

Apart from that, work is progressively getting a little more stressful each day. I’m not sure if it’s just the nature of my job. Or whether because it’s the end of financial year. Could be a combination of both. I came off my 3 month probation last week and had only positive, pleasing and promising reports from my team leader and manager which is a relief. I don’t have to pack up my stuff in a box and leave escorted by security! That must mean they like me and want me to stay? But in all seriousness, when I say it’s a relief, it really is a relief. What a difference 3 months makes. Where I am today at this job compared to where I was the first four weeks of this new job? SO different. Moons and miles apart. The first few weeks of learning a new system, a new process a new way of doing things, getting to know a whole new group of people… it’s all overwhelming and daunting and I remember wondering to myself if there ever was going to be a light at the end of what seemed like a dragged out, long tunnel. Now, 3 months later, it seems that the end of the tunnel is in sight. And although it is in sight, I may never ever truly reach it, but that’s just the nature of my job and my industry – it’s always changing, there’s always something new to learn and there’s always, most definitely always, a challenge lying ahead…

Now that it’s June,  I feel like I’ve almost climbed out of this funk. With all that is happening around me and with what I can see that’s coming up ahead as far as my head and my heart will let me, it is all good. All exciting. All glass half-full type of things. I only have to believe. Which brings me to the photo above. That was Macy’s theme when we were in my most favourite city in the world thus far, New York City.

BELIEVE. That is all.